I have never done this before so please forgive me! I lost my precious Hope, and 8.5 year old rott/lab mix, last week. She was a huge physical and emotional presence in our lives and we miss her desperately. The circumstances of her loss make it so much more difficult and recovering is not foreseeable. Here is my story:
Two weeks ago today, Hopey was seen as the vet and diagnosed with osteosarcoma in her left hind leg. It was in the early stages, her lungs were clear. She had been dragging it around for some time; we thought it was arthritis which the vet had actually diagnosed her with just a few months prior (with an x-ray).
Being that she was still so young, we opted for amputation, then two rounds of chemo – THE GOLD STANDARD – and hoped for some more time with her. I had researched and read many blogs, websites, that my plans and hopes were feasible.
Here’s the sad part and the part that I cannot live with: the surgery lasted 5 hours. Wednesday 12/14 3pm-8pm, my dog was under anesthesia. She was not extubated until 3am. I did not leave her side throughout all of this. She would not wake up with the alertness that a dog should, and when she did wake up for brief moments, she screamed out in agony. All this time, I watched, I prayed, but to no avail. On Thursday it was decided to transport her to a vet hospital. They did everything they could to relieve her pain and although they succeeded in making her comfortable, stabilizing her vital signs marginally, they did not recover her mentations. it seems obvious that she suffered from oxygen deprivation during surgery.
I made many huge errors here and hope that others will learn from them.
1: I trusted my vet – never again will I get only one opinion.
2: I should have known to go to a larger facility/hospital for the procedure.
3. I should have listened to my first instinct with the initial diagnosis – take her home, treat her palliatively and when the time was right, put her down.
I do understand the consequences of that decision – extreme pain, possible pathological fracture; however, Hope was still playing, running, jumping, eating, and happy once she had some tramadol in her.
I am not left with the huge dilemma of having to seek legal action? this will not return Hopey.
or deal with what happened?
talk to my vet about what happened? Vent my anger and disappointment.
ask them to accept blame and pay the bills?
None of the above will bring her back. I have learned many lessons from this – that is all I can walk away with.
On top and above my own issue is that my daughter is a tech for the vet and assisted in the surgery. My relationship with her is prime over all else.
So, to wrap it up, I am left alone in a dark place to deal with immense sadness, guilt, and shame.
I do not know how to recover, I do not know how to stop the pain. I do not know how to let my Hopey go.
I am NOW left with the huge dilemma of having to seek legal action? this will not return Hopey.
Legal action – the whole other can of worms…I like my vet, I don’t want to destroy her career but shouldn’t be learn from this error and prevent it from happening to another dog?
Thank you for sharing your story.
It’s heartbreaking to hear that you feel that you made the wrong decision.
It might help you to focus now on all of the positives…8-1/2 years with your Hope. What a ton of wonderful memories you must have!
Also, how fortunate you were able to be with your dog at the end. You were there by her side, I’m sure she felt you there.
And lastly, I would have a good, honest talk with the vet. It might help a lot to ease the remorse that you are feeling.
I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you and I hope that you can find some peace in the coming days.
Thank you. I do try to see the positives and I do realize that the time would have been shortened because of the cancer; it is just difficult to accept that my decision made her life even shorter. It was awful to watch her suffer in pain – my only reprieve is that the hospital finally did get her out of pain, and when we put her down she was at breathing evenly and not howling in pain.
I am very hesitant to talk to my vet because of the pain I may cause my daughter, although I am beginning to think that I should talk with the vet for myself AND my daughter.
I am so very sorry for the loss of your loved one Hope. That is devistating.
As far as the rest, I am not a lawyer, so I can’t advise you. But, I do believe it is fairly common place for a vet not to charge more than the cost of the anesthesia in the event that the surgery goes terribly wrong, such as it did for her.
With your daughter being a part of it, that is a very unfortunate situation for you and her. I can only wish that you don’t let this divide you. She probably is suffering too, but maybe doesn’t know how to talk with you without implicating the vet? I don’t know.
Regrets are lifes biggest baggage. I can say this, you were doing EVERYTHING financially and physically possible to try and save Hope. You didn’t give her cancer, but you were doing everything you could to try and fight it. I am sure Hope knows you were fighting for love, she would never blame you, so please don’t blame yourself. It was cancer that did this, it is a horrible disease.
I will tell you of my mothers sad story. Her “heart dog”, the dog that has touched her the deepest was a beautiful girl named Nikko. She went to the vet for an ear infection. The way the vet held her down to check her ear crushed her trachea, and she suffocated in front of my mother. What was supposed to be a quick trip ended up with my mom’s precious girl being strangled while she watched and did nothing. My mother just didn’t know what was happening. My mother carried a great burden of guilt and regret for YEARS. That did nothing to bring Nikko back. I know she loved my mother as much as mom loved her, she wouldn’t want mom to be so sad. I finally convinced mom to put down this burden and remember Nikko only with love, no guilt. By her sharing her story with vet schools and doggie lovers she met, she was saving other dogs from going through this kind of loss. So many people now know what to look for when your dog is at the vet, and she tells everyone, never ever let them take your dog to a different room without you.
I can’t say what is right for you, other than it wasn’t your fault, please don’t remember your beautiful Hope with guilt. No one will benefit from that. Find a way to make something good come out of her physical loss. It is the only way to heal, in my opinion. Peace be with you,
Elizabeth
That is a devastating story – I understand your mother’s feelings.
The issue of educating others, prevention of this reoccurring is what is most on my mind. I shared my feelings and thoughts with my daughter so that she too can be aware and advocate for pets being the tech, and possibly one day, the vet.
I have never blogged before or shared my life on a forum such as this; but this website helped me get through the week before the decision to amputate. I figured that starting here would get my story out, and hopefully people will read it, and hopefully people will get second opinions, etc etc etc!
My daughter is very mixed up and yes, I believe she is in two minds – protecting the vet and standing up for Hopey and the others that may come. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO….IS THERE A SCREAM FORUM ON HERE….
we agree that second opinions, when available are so valuable. we were blessed to work with three wonderful vets (regular, acupuncture and oncologist) who we trusted totally.
taking legal action, well that’s a hard call. i understand your rage and anger and sometimes hitting folks in their wallet seems to be the best way to get their attention. maybe, after the shock is lessened, you can find a way to be an advocate for better care, for animal rights or something that you feel would honor hope and the wonderful life she lead.
our recommendation is to scream your heart out, or go split wood, or scrub every floor in the house, or get a punching bag or even just take a night to crawl into a bottle. give yourself permission to behave however you have to. the shock is too raw right not to be totally ladylike.
as for your daughter, i bet she feels bad too, and might be harboring some guilt. but, my kids all have fur so i’m not gonna make any suggestions there.
with time, maybe all of the love you shared with hope will help soothe your heart. remember, love never ends.
charon & spirit gayle
We are very sorry your loss. Please know that by sharing your story, you will be helping many others faced with the same difficult decisions.
As for how to let Hope go, don’t. her spirit will always be with you in your heart. As for how to recover and cope with the anger you’re feeling, ask yourself, “What would Hope do?”.
We know how difficult this is for you right now. While we know there are no words to help ease your pain, please know you are not alone here. Our best advice is to try and be more Dog.
And yes, you can feel free to scream all you want in the Anything Goes discussion forum.
Thank you. Yes, I agree, try to be more Dog. More forgiving and more loving. Hard as that is right now, it is certainly a goal.
Ohhhhh, my heart aches for you and Hope, we are so sad about what happened. I know this has got to be so hard for you and everyone involved, and wish there was some way I could help.
As Sammy’s Mom said, regret is a huge, huge emotional drain and it’s something only humans get to deal with. Dogs don’t know regret, or anger and if it’s any comfort at all, Hope would never hold your decision against you. You did everything you possibly could to do what would help alleviate her pain. And everything you did was with all the love and compassion your spirit could hold. This is one of life’s greatest callings, to help those who cannot help themselves. Please, please find a way to forgive yourself, because that is what Hope would want most in this world.
And, do take comfort in knowing that your story will reach others and help them avoid this situation too. Hope did not die in vain for this reason.
If you want to talk to someone in the veterinary field about the medical issues and mistakes that occurred, I strongly suggest calling Colorado State University’s Argus Institute which is listed here in our list of grief support resources (http://tripawds.com/2011/01/25/tripawds-grief-support-resources/). They can help you gather your thoughts, and perhaps find the strength to talk to your vet about this awful situation.
We are also here to help in any way we can, OK? Try to remember that the grief you feel right now is an expression of the love that you shared for your girl. In time, your grief will subside and return to that love. But you need to talk about it, to find a way to express your love, by writing here and sharing her life with all of us, by creating a photo album, a small shrine, anything that shows the world how much you care for this beautiful pup.
If you want to talk on the phone, don’t hesitate to call us. Just PM me in the Tripawds Forums and I’ll send you my phone # OK? I will be here to listen if that will help.
Many, many hugs coming your way. Again, my deepest sympathy is coming your way.
Thank you all for your understanding and support. I just noticed how I have not cleaned because I don’t want to borough out of the hole that my heart is in. I sit here, I type, I go back to my bed and hug my other dogs, and think and think, and cry and cry. I have been putting together pics of her for all of us. Had one on my desktop but had to change it this morning; the pain is still too raw. I am anticipating the phone call from the hospital in the next couple of days to get her ashes and am dreading it, but am hoping that I can bring her home and have comfort in that.
It comes in waves – anger, pain, sadness…
We did adopt a little chocolate lab puppy mix from the Humane society to help us all heal, and fill the void that we are all feeling. She is adorable, and just when I think that Hopey blessed us with this little girl, Taco, I lose it again.
I realize that any legal implication is pointless and would only destroy my vets career, she is young, and certainly did not intend to hurt anyone. She feels awful too.
Thank you again for helping me through this. I apologize for any craziness I have written but am just putting words down; trying to unload this grief.
I’m so sad for you. I hope sharing your pain with us will help lessen it for you. I find writing everything out helps me too. Just getting all your feelings down can be cathartic. Anger, pain and sadness are all part of grief. It’s so hard, but eventually you start to come out the other side.
I’m glad you’ve come to realize the legal action would be pointless. I think it would just continue to drag out your pain and be a stopping point for healing. Hopefully this vet has learned a huge lesson from this!
Hang in there – we are all here anytime you want to scream, cry or vent.
Sending hugs and healing Abby kisses. I hope your sweet little pup will help you heal. I’m sure Hope had a paw in sending that pup your way.
Jackie, Abby’s mom
This has truly been cathartic. The vet did just call me to see how we are coping – not the vet that did the surgery; her partner who has been in practice for some 30 years. I think I need time, and to go through the grieving process. I have spent a good part of the day crying today. And writing here. It feels better to let it out. I too believe that Hopey had a paw in choosing our pup, she is so sweet, and Hope was too. I cannot thank every one enough for your understanding and support .
Please don’t put a time line on your grief…or let anyone else put a timeline on it for you. Especially in light of the circumstances.
Three years ago, I put my heart dog (I just love that!) through a horrific biopsy trying to do the right thing. And it was OH SO the wrong thing to do for him. I had to end his pain less than 2 weeks later. I still cannot forgive myself, but I am starting to use the hurt and regret to step up the care I give to the dogs I have now. I have made a commitment to learn more about nutrition, drugs, vaccinations,procedures,etc. It has given me a sense of control and some of the hopelessness is beginning to fade. I hope someday you are able to do the same. It is empowering!
I am so sorry for your loss. Writing for me has always helped me work through my issues in fact I must had a mini-meltdown on Chili Dawgs blot a few weeks ago, & it was these awesome people who helped me work through the guilt I had been feeling. Time will help you heal. I lost my Chili Dawg almost 4 months ago & I still cry from missing him. It’s okay to grieve. Let yourself be angry & grieve because that’s the only way you can truly heal- in my opinion.
Sending you hugs,
Jenna & Spirit Chili Dawg
I am so sorry for you loss of Hope. I know the empty feeling can be overwhelming and this added burden of anger and guilt of totally justified. It’s almost too much for a person to bare.
I once had a beloved healthy seeming dog collapse suddenly and die while the vet was running tests to find out what was wrong with him. After his death, my vet basically accused me of giving him people medicine or in his words, “his sudden symptoms appear to be that he must have gotten into people medicine”. I felt my vet was accusing me of doing something or at best, being neglectful. The autopsy revealed he had a massive cancerous tumor on his heart that burst. It actually is somewhat common in German Shep dogs and sometimes without any symptoms.
The grief, coupled with anger at my vet was a terrible, terrible thing. Had my vet been thinking beyond this incorrect gut feeling he had, I could have been with my beloved dog when he died and/or I could have let him go peacefully instead of him going into a cardiac arrest.
I have no trust for my vet even though I went to him for 10 years. My peace of mind comes from knowing that there are other vets.
I turned my anger and grief into something positive in a small way. It was because of that, I came to tripawds. My Comet was three legged and she was 10 years old (born 3-legged) and was still alive. My Rugby, the german shep mix who died was my helper dog to her.
I was lost without him to help me with her. But being here on tripawds with others who cared so much for their dogs, helped me tremendously.
It’s been over two years now and there are still days I want to shout at my old vet about what happened. I never have said a word. But it serves no purpose to me. It wouldn’t bring Rugby back. I know my vet knows since I don’t see him anymore.
I wish you peace in heart. My hope for you is that something positive will come out of this tragedy.
May you remember your Hope with only fond memories very soon.
Hugs.
Even though you don’t want to damage your parent-child relationship, I can’t imagine that having an honest dialog with your daughter and your vet would do that. If you tell them that you are having a hard time understanding what went wrong and you’d like to meet with them for a consultation, an objective discussion where they can walk you through the events step-by-step, no one will think that you are trying to assign blame. I personally would want to do that. By doing this, it is very possible that you will discover things that help you find out whether or not this was preventable.
Often we think that A+B=C, when in fact coincidence (0r destiny or fate) change the whole picture. It is possible that Hope fell into this unfortunate category. There may have been some factor that no one could predict that reared its ugly little head and changed things dramatically.
Give some thought to asking for an objective discussion with your vet and your daughter. Call the Argus Institute. And see if your local humane society has a grief support group that you can attend. Find out if any veterinary schools would be interested in hearing your story *after* you talk with your vet and get all the information you can get. If you can’t bring Hope back, maybe you can help educate others so that her story won’t be repeated.
Shari
I have omitted a couple of important facts of the situation –
the week before when the vet diagnosed her, she had given her a dose of ketamine to sedate her for x-rays – she had a “reaction” to the ketamine; it was described as a “seizure” although she could not say specifically what happened. Hope was fine after some IV valium.
when they did the surgery, she had used a ketamine drip. she had evidently asked an anesthesiologist and assured me that it would be safe.
Both the above incidents were done without any written permission from me. This is either overlooked because my daughter works there or simply overlooked, not really sure which or why.
I know that suing will sap me of energy, and money, but having heard so many horror stories, how can we change this??? How can we change the law to protect our pets????
We are so sorry for your loss, what a gigantic hole it leaves in our lives.
Talk to the vet and your daughter together. Listen cafefully and watch to see if the vet is being straight with you. See if what she says makes sense and if it doesn’t why doesn’t it. If you don’t come away from your talk with the vet feeling informed and at peace, I would talk to a lawyer and see what the lawyer says. It would be good to know how long you have to determine if you are going to bring legal action. You might also check with the state licensing board to see if they have system to review what happened and make a decision.
If your vet was in over their head, they needed to tell you that. That is part of caring for the dog and you. Your vet should put the patient first and themselves a bit farther down the list.
After your talk with the vet, your gut will tell you where you need to head next.
Your in our thoughts and prayers.
The chauffeur